This it not your grave...

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2009-08-23T07:45:01Z

If you like tweeting, you'll love my little bird! It's just a swallow!

13:10 What the hell, Travel Channel's @ghostadventures came to St. Augustine and I missed it? #
13:16 @ThatChrisGore Go for everything except the NIN concert. If you want your ears to bleed, just hammer some nails into them. #

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2009-08-22T07:45:04Z

If you like tweeting, you'll love my little bird! It's just a swallow!

04:35 What kind of just and loving god gives us the ability to get piss drunk, then make us have to pretend we're not? That's exhausting. #
05:11 champions-online.com/ So who's gonna be playing on XBL with me? #
05:11 @gandeek /e-hug back, Starting to miss you a lot. #
06:29 @ectoplasm JUST 'CUZ WE RULE #
08:37 HOLY FUCKING SHIT EVERYONE GO GET SHADOW COMPLEX FOR XBLA. Totally worth using the last of my points card. #
19:03 Anyone else been having problems with facebook, twitter, or gmail since the new Firefox update? Shit, I might have to switch to Chrome. #
19:17 twitpic.com/erwwi - Any takers, ladies? #
21:07 The new Firefox officially sucks. Officially. #
21:31 @nessalh Yeah I just installed it. I like it, but I'm gonna miss my Firefox add-ons. #
00:36 @capturedcastle Dude I weigh about 155 or so, and had to make myself gain the last 15 of that. #
00:37 @cassiereichle Be careful, bullshit is like peeing when you're drunk. Once it starts, it aint gonna stop. #

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2009-08-20T07:45:53Z

If you like tweeting, you'll love my little bird! It's just a swallow!

16:15 @skzsk that can be arranged. #
23:18 @nessalh why? That show is so fake. #
23:20 @skzsk that's ok, you'd probably puss out when I came for the kid anyway. #
23:28 @skzsk next time you need coffee you tell me. I'll make someone deliver it. #
23:29 @nessalh every episode ever made: "we've dedicated our lives to finding ghosts OHMYGOD A DOOR OPENED I PISSED MYSELF." Way to go, candyass. #
23:46 @nessalh I would too, if I hadn't dedicated my life to finding what opens the doors. #

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2009-08-19T07:45:03Z

If you like tweeting, you'll love my little bird! It's just a swallow!

13:30 Great, Johnny Cash is gonna be in the next Guitar Hero. No good will come from this. #
14:16 "I'll introduce you to my own morbid charm and fist-fuck you with your own severed arm." -from the upcoming Slayer album. YOU NEED THIS CD #
15:31 So Slayer's got a new album soon. Where the hell has Zakk been? #
16:01 Just saw the elusive emollet! He could tell I was gonna take his picture so he ran. I'll find the fucko's facebook where he'll have 1000 ... #
22:52 @ectoplasm but the new Guitar World is fuckin great. Slayer! #
02:52 @appleredhair rrrrrrrr/aye! #

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2009-08-18T07:45:20Z

If you like tweeting, you'll love my little bird! It's just a swallow!

10:37 Patricia Arquette vs. Tony Soprano: best fight scene ever? Y/Y #
12:56 @ectoplasm you're lucky, my Fallout disc is fucked. #
22:43 @skzsk pirate house? Shit, watch out for you know who. She hangs out there too. #
22:53 @skzsk she's part of rat pack and I think she mostly hangs out at punk house but she mentioned pirate house more than once. #
22:57 @skzsk at least she doesn't know you know me in case you do run into her. #

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Writer's Block: Fantasy Sports

2009-08-04T13:33:55Z

Imagine you manage a coven of baseball-playing vampires. The Cullen family is really strong this year and you want to bring in a ringer. Which currently active MLB baseball player do you sire?

Submitted By seannau

View 502 Answers

"I want to make baseball even gayer...how do I do that? Oh! Twilight! Of course!" Twilight sucks, baseball sucks, and seannau sucks. I think this is the dumbest question I've ever heard.

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2009-06-29T07:45:04Z

If you like tweeting, you'll love my little bird! It's just a swallow!

10:41 @cheapvodka I laughed so hard almost shot the banana I was eating through my nose bit.ly/61tby #
11:19 Just discovered the link between workin 3-midnight with no break and not being able to sleep due to muscle spasms in my legs. Hate my job. #
13:22 @cassiereichle apparently they happen in 5s. #
13:26 @smegatron you're just fuckin with us now. #
22:27 @cheapvodka oops, sorry. Can't use words with more than two syllables. Like "syllables." Damn. #

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2009-06-28T07:45:04Z

If you like tweeting, you'll love my little bird! It's just a swallow!

12:48 @benchilada Outside is your friend. And the best part is when you're done you can refresh yourself with a giant durian smoothie. #
00:19 There isn't a word in the English language to describe my hatred for my job. Anyone know ancient Sumarian? #

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2009-06-27T07:45:05Z

If you like tweeting, you'll love my little bird! It's just a swallow!

10:44 @ectoplasm your arms sore from boxing? #
14:30 RT @smegatron Michael Jackson is dead. T-Shirt Hell pays tribute in our own special way: bit.ly/cD7h #
14:32 @ectoplasm I'm really lookin forward to Sports Resort. #

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2009-06-26T07:45:05Z

If you like tweeting, you'll love my little bird! It's just a swallow!

08:55 @cheapvodka Wow, even if he did get some ribs removed, he couldn't find his dick anymore. #
13:58 @skzsk Moths and wasps. Let the wasps out too. #
17:09 @nessalh No, Strangeland is entertaining because it has my second favorite heavy metal Jew in it. The Village is the worst movie ever. #
17:12 @skzsk Leave one on her desk, like a dog leaves dead birds by the bed. #
17:27 @thejezebelle Alice Cooper. And I can't wait to see who has the lead. #
18:07 @thejezebelle Not very metal either. #
18:13 Doesn't matter if you're black or white, we're all gonna die. #
18:19 When my uncle died in the hospital, no one in the family knew for almost two days. How does the entire fuckin world already know Jacko died? #
18:23 @thejezebelle Oh, lame. This better be a good sequel. #
19:10 @cassiereichle No. MY FAMILY didn't know for two days. He died in the hospital on machines. This is what makes me hate America. #
19:42 @cassiereichle Yes. That's why I'm so pissed. 2 days to call my aunt but the whole world knows when a talentless pedophile dies? FTW. #
19:54 @cassiereichle I don't care. If it took them 2 days to let you know your grandpa died, you'd be just as pissed. #
19:58 @skzsk A pedophile and an ugly chick? #
20:14 Just beat Ghostbusters. Can't wait to get this game for Wii. #
20:21 @cassiereichle Chances are his family found out from twitter. As much as I hate him, that's still wrong, if that's the case. #
21:37 RT @yelling_bird SIGN THIS PETITION TO ELECT ME THE FIRST PERSON TO DESECRATE MICHAEL JACKSON'S CORPSE #
21:44 @thejezebelle @nessalh this is half of a really hot chick fight. #
23:08 @thejezebelle I hate to tell you this, but you gotta take him down. You have the chance...even if it's just one My Chemical Romance fan. #
23:09 @nessalh Michael Jackson's ghost took them away. #
23:14 @thejezebelle Sorry, I keep having to skip MCR on last.fm and that ugly mug is burned into my brain. Not a good excuse, but it's all I got. #

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2009-06-25T07:45:04Z

If you like tweeting, you'll love my little bird! It's just a swallow!

10:22 @nessalh if you have to ask, you know the answer is yes. #
10:23 @cheapvodka I saw an All Blacks shirt yesterday and thought the same thing. #
10:25 I don't know who Lady Gaga is but she sucks. I'm glad Faith No More came back to make Poker Face awesome. #
11:36 Watching Appaloosa on my notebook. I'm so far behind the times but I love having a portable computer. #

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2009-06-23T07:45:07Z

If you like tweeting, you'll love my little bird! It's just a swallow!

08:36 @nessalh So more like Chloe is over there dying? #
09:22 Me and my mom. We're goin to the zoo for my birthday. It's gonna be 108 and I'm wearing shorts. I forsee a sock tan! short.to/h0ef #
10:00 @thejezebelle I thought about that before I put it on, you buttnugget. It's also the coolest shirt I have. #
10:06 @thejezebelle I don't own a white tshirt, assclown. When I say it's the coolest shirt I own, it's because it's mesh. #
10:07 @thejezebelle hook me up, Miss Hot Topic. #
10:08 My mom was just singing Boom Stamping on a Human Face by Bad Religion. #
10:11 @thejezebelle never saw one I liked. I think I have a white Metallica shirt somewhere but it's buried. #
10:12 @thejezebelle it's mesh. I've been in Florida 26 years. I'll live. #
10:14 @thejezebelle plus I never needed a white shirt. I avoided sunlight like the plague until a few months ago. #
10:17 @thejezebelle I have to wear a chef coat and a tshirt in a 125 degree kitchen. It's still 95 when the AC works. This will be a breeze. #
10:17 Dogshit taco #
10:21 @thejezebelle we're 30 minutes away. And I'm not late for last birthday. I'm early for next. #
10:22 @thejezebelle yeah and I still don't own a white shirt. Even my wife beaters are black and army green. #
17:57 Hey I'm gonna dye my pubes green to save Iran. #
18:03 @skzsk No blow jobs without...? Or are you being serious? If you are, I feel like an ass. #
18:08 @nessalh or run away from it #becauseitsgreen #
18:13 @skzsk I support that cause entirely. And I just wanted an excuse to dye my pubs green anyway. #
18:28 @cheapvodka I'm actually gonna dye them green in support of No Blow Jobs Without Oral Favors (NBJWOF), my favorite women's cause. #
18:51 @skzsk NFWC? #
19:01 @skzsk The day we can't tweet about eating pussy is day the terrorists win. #
19:18 twitpic.com/854ku - Put 8's in my ears today. Not as painful as I thought. Can't wait to get to 6 though. #
20:56 @ectoplasm BEST REMAKE EVER #
21:08 Went to the zoo, stretched my ears, got my Wii back from Nintendo. Today was better than my actual birthday. #
00:21 The shit I just took is showing its support of Iran #becauseitsgreen #
00:50 "I have to find a new girlfriend," he mumbled, while trying to warm up the female corpse in front of him with a hair dryer. #lyttlelytton #

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2009-06-22T07:45:04Z

If you like tweeting, you'll love my little bird! It's just a swallow!

09:02 @cheapvodka so far all I know is people are running from bombs while tweeting about it from their phones. I can't even use my phone at work. #
12:29 Gonna attempt to play Ghostbusters with my mom. Will make sure to tweet about ensuing hilarity. #
21:52 Didn't get screwed over at work. I feel incomplete. #

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2009-06-21T07:45:05Z

If you like tweeting, you'll love my little bird! It's just a swallow!

11:20 @thejezebelle somehow it's less comforting to know they're everywhere. #
11:21 It's gonna hit 110 degrees today. #
12:08 @ectoplasm yeah we're boned. #
12:10 Welcome to Florida, trendy Japanese guy in a wool hat. #
00:11 Air conditioner at work busted. I'm between a 400 degree grill and a 180 steamline. I drank 3 gallons of water. I hate it there. #
00:12 It was roughly 125 degrees in the kitchen depending on which way the manager leaned when he farted. #

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2009-06-20T07:45:05Z

If you like tweeting, you'll love my little bird! It's just a swallow!

11:00 Been awake 4 hours. Ran two miles and planted 5 more pineapple tops. I do more before 9 AM than most people got in their little finger. #
13:00 Happy 75th birthday, FCC! Now, either get Comcast to stop fucking everyone over, or gtfo and let me see sime basic cable titties. #
13:20 Nature, 1. Far right, 0. Suck it, conservatives! tinyurl.com/ngxczd #
13:28 But seriously how long until they start getting hunted by conservatives who don't think God made gay animals? #
15:22 Just traded in some really good games to get Ghostbusters and Prototype for 360. Anyone wanna play GB? DM me with your xbl tag. #
15:23 Just traded in some stuff for ghostbuster #
15:29 Just traded in some stuff to get Ghostbusters for 360. Anyone wanna play it? DM me with your XBL gamertag. #
15:31 @jayv I wanted it for Wii but it's at Nintendo getting repaired and I wanna play it fuckin yesterday. #
15:39 @ectoplasm I want a pair of in-lines really bad. When we both have some we need to play some real hockey. #
15:41 @cassiereichle yeah, it both of you are made out of wood or flint. #
15:46 @ectoplasm yeah, no days off in the immediate future. #
15:54 @ectoplasm doubtful. Workin 5-1. #
21:33 Seriously people, you got someone who will do anything for you. Is not being a dick to them that hard? Come on. 'Thanks' won't kill you. #
22:48 @cheapvodka I know the feeling. Makes the short days even better. #

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2009-06-19T07:45:05Z

If you like tweeting, you'll love my little bird! It's just a swallow!

10:29 @nessalh Stupid thumbs. You're watching Fight Club and asking that question? Anything by Chuck Palahniuk! #
10:30 @cassiereichle I sure hope so. I got a lot riding on some people I hate bursting into flames. #
11:35 My bandaid is cooler than yours. Also, best place for a burn. short.to/gaa4 #
12:06 @skzsk BATMAN! #
15:50 My mom just said I'm too hardcore when cheating on my diet entails hot vegan chili and a baked potato without salt or butter. #
15:50 I disagree. I think I'm just hardcore enough. #
15:52 Also I can say this without shame now: 21st Century Breakdown is the album that made me like Green Day. #
19:28 #iphone #whocares #
21:39 Come on, PETA. There are better reasons to hate Obama than killing a fly. This is why no one takes you seriously. #
22:37 #inaperfectworld I wouldn't feel the need to reply to stupid twitter topics. #
00:31 fuck fuck fuck fuck mother motherfuck mother motherfuck fuck motherfuck motherfuck noige noige noige #

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2009-06-18T07:45:05Z

If you like tweeting, you'll love my little bird! It's just a swallow!

12:30 Woke up several times an hour due to muscle spasms. Slept like a crackwhore. Already dreading the rest of the week. #
12:43 @nessalh why is @ronweasley a fat drunk mick too? #
15:11 @thejezebelle emailing it to you now. #
22:59 @thejezebelle fuck I forgot to tell you half a red onion. #
23:01 @nessalh sidekicks? I'd have to have a friend here to be considered a sidekick. #
23:02 Put Butthole Surfers on the list of bands I don't like as much as I used to 13 years ago with Suicidal Tendencies. #
00:18 #nicerfilmtitles Large African-American Sexual Organs in Petite Caucasian Girls' Private Lady Parts #

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2009-06-17T07:45:05Z

If you like tweeting, you'll love my little bird! It's just a swallow!

12:15 Yes, asshole. I only eat raw fruit, vegetables, and nuts. It's not complicated. I don't stare at you and say "you mean you only eat crap!?" #
12:34 @thejezebelle The idiot I was talking to is from Washington State. The rednecks here just find out and think "more for me." #
12:41 @thejezebelle or a retarded ex-socialite cunt who lost everything when she moved here for the nice weather. #
12:42 @thejezebelle IT'S EVERYWHERE. IT'S IN MY RACOON WOUNDS. #
12:48 @thejezebelle this one works with my mom. #
12:50 Holy god my hands are shredded. #
13:16 @thejezebelle yeah but this is from all the broken edges at work. #
13:39 @cheapvodka I always wanna watch it but every time I do I wanna fuck someone up. Or blow something up. #
15:36 Why do I keep seeing "if mu musics to loud then your to old" shirts? GRAMMAR, PEOPLE. GRAMMAR. #
16:23 Holy fucking shit my boss just said something nice to me. Hang on, gonna poop out a gold brick. #
16:23 Someone should suck my dick #becauseitsgreen #

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2009-06-16T07:45:04Z

If you like tweeting, you'll love my little bird! It's just a swallow!

09:13 @cassiereichle DENIED #
12:29 @nessalh G1 rules. It's like an iPhone that doesn't suck donkey balls. And even with a 16g microSD card it's cheaper. #
12:34 Courtesy of @fallacies, I give you Megan Fox's freakish toe-thumb! This thing is spookular. short.to/ftkf #
12:41 Shit. I may need to get Ghostbusters for Wii and 360. Does anyone have a kidney I can sell? #
15:17 I should stop complaining about the dumbasses I work with because I always get their hours. Hire more dumb shits, I want the money. #
15:31 The new Rancid album is the best one since Out Come the Wolves. And my battery is almost dead. God dammit. #
01:19 @thejezebelle What's disappointing? I forgot what I was bitching about nine hours ago. #

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2009-06-15T07:45:04Z

If you like tweeting, you'll love my little bird! It's just a swallow!

11:47 @ectoplasm kill stuff tomorrow? I tend to come home, doze off in the shower, and not remember going to bed, especially on weekends. #
12:15 Ha. Fuck you, Detroit. Love, the East Coast #
13:20 @appleredhair I'm hot, stick sweet from my he-FUCK. Can't wait to see the workers comp form for that one. #
13:21 That reminds me, what has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leopard. #
13:24 @ectoplasm @cheapvodka she was also in an episode of Two and a half Men and she looked like anorexic trailer trash then, too. #
01:12 @cassiereichle Who cares? She sucks. #
01:15 21 hours in two days again. Picking up a shift for OT tomorrow. Passing out like a drunk baby. Still hate Cracker Barrel. #

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2009-06-14T07:45:04Z

If you like tweeting, you'll love my little bird! It's just a swallow!

12:28 @cheapvodka I'll save you some in the freezer. #
13:20 I hope someone jams a rusty pipe up Dexter Holland's peehole. #
23:59 While using a hose as a microphone, my coworker sprayed himself in the face with 200• water attempting to lip-sync to Def Leopard. #

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2009-06-13T07:45:06Z

If you like tweeting, you'll love my little bird! It's just a swallow!

08:42 If anyone in my family is ever on time, ever, I'm gonna mark it down and begin celebrating it as a personal holiday. #
10:10 The only way I could desscribe what happened to the cooks at work last night is with courtroom dolls, and I get to do it all weekend. #
10:48 @cheapvodka why? Has she even hit puberty yet? #
11:11 God I won't be home for at least 14 hours. #
11:30 @cheapvodka prepubescent and anorexic. Awesome. Just like 2/3 of all American chicks. Woo! #
11:57 @cheapvodka nice try but you're still gonna have to kill me for the mangos. #
12:10 @cheapvodka do you live anywhere near Brenda? If you do, and if my trees root, you can just have some. Sans death, of course. #
12:16 Bikers wearing chaps, leather jackets, and Crocs. What the shit? #
12:58 @MiaStaRR I would rather chop my feet off and walk on peg legs. #
13:32 My back is blistered and popping. #dumbass #
13:45 #racistcorndog my favorite is the tiny Asian one dipped in wasabi. #
13:46 #racistcorndog the black ones taste too much like chicken. #
14:05 Tried to put the 6's in my ears. Won't happen without going with 8 first or a pint of Beam. Also, getting a new tattoo this month. #
14:06 Also I don't like Suicidal Tendencies as much as I did when I was 15. #
14:47 @jayv does it have that pain in the ass lag like Firefox? #
14:56 @jayv no twitterfox doesn't lag for me, just twitter in the firefox browser. #
00:01 @nessalh these snozberries taste like snozberries! #
00:06 @cheapvodka yeah they're just not that cool anymore. Rob needs to go back to Ozzy/Zakk and the rest should just shut it. #
02:16 #phish #sucks #getajob #

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2009-06-12T07:45:05Z

If you like tweeting, you'll love my little bird! It's just a swallow!

08:30 Who gets up this early? Who? And what the fuck is wrong with you jackasses? #
09:36 @nessalh Why don't you just separate them? #
10:15 @appleredhair homoeroticism and staircase wit have almost nothing to do with eachother. #
10:17 @gandeek that's just crazy talk. #
11:10 Every time I see a Jeep with the top off I tear up a little bit. #
11:16 And I know something is wrong with me when I walk by IHOP and think it smells good. #
11:25 @appleredhair hey I openly admit to both. I'm just saying they aren't related. #
12:34 @appleredhair yeah you say that weekly. It's ok, I've said it countless times, even without a hangover. #
13:07 I'm either gonna be the first mick with a tan or the billionth to have radioactive pink skin. short.to/f4ky #
13:08 @ectoplasm killing templars is always a good time-waster. #
13:12 @appleredhair no, you're not an idiot, you're a professional! #
13:27 @appleredhair professional wop! #
13:58 @appleredhair and Lance Bass is gay. I thought you forgot, since you seemed so down on yourself. I just wanted to remind you, greaseball. #
14:04 Best album cover in the history of album covers. short.to/f5ey #
14:10 @appleredhair nice Ferris Bueller reference, by the way. #
14:12 @ectoplasm go buy some seeds and dig up a plot, then buy a bonzai tree for your room. It's all therapy. #
14:20 @thejezebelle you just don't tweet enough. #
14:24 @thejezebelle well if you did you wouldn't have to not play catch up. #
14:47 @thejezebelle DO I NOT RIVAL RONNIE JAMES DIO IN MY ROCKABILITY?!!! #
15:17 @appleredhair you're the expert. #
20:27 It sucks to have to pretend to take a shit to get a break. YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU'RE IN THE BARREL BABY! YOU GONNA DIE! #

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2009-06-11T07:45:06Z

If you like tweeting, you'll love my little bird! It's just a swallow!

12:41 I think I officially hate The Sims more than I hate Guitar Hero and Rock Band now. #
12:42 @appleredhair You're gonna have a long, miserable life of watching all your loved ones die before you. #
13:03 @appleredhair True. I mean, Keith Richards survived three presidential assassinations, five world wars, and three mass extinctions. #
22:56 Goddamn fuckers owe me a raise if I gotta keep workin with so many potheads. #
22:57 @gandeek just a tad? It's ok. I bet yours are more tan. #
00:28 Just had to give myself the Heimlich maneuver for a watermelon seed. That'll teach me to spit before I swallow. /pube joke #
00:30 @appleredhair thought of the perfect response to the addicted to nuts thing, a day late: That explains my track record with chicks. zing! #

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2009-06-10T07:45:06Z

If you like tweeting, you'll love my little bird! It's just a swallow!

10:25 @cheapvodka I want to punch everyone from the last fifteen years of SNL in the throat. #
13:31 Just downloaded the "Punk Goes" collection. 8 albums. 5 good bands. 6 good songs. I gotta start looking shit up before I download it. #
16:27 The start of something wonderful. Hopefully. short.to/eup9 #
19:17 @cheapvodka Not without a fight. #
20:36 @cheapvodka Dude I assaulted a MP with a wallet chain. The dude was trained to withstand torture. SPIN THE WHEEL, RAGGEDY MAN! Or...LADY! #
20:45 Just go for the Hara Kiri, kiddo. It'll be prettier than what I'll do with my Scorpion chains. #
20:45 @pintsize0101 MAKE IS SIMPLE SO ALL THE KIDS CAN SING ALONG #
21:24 @cheapvodka You'll be killing yourself to avoid the humiliation of getting slaughtered over mangos, so whatever leaves a pretty corpse. #
21:25 I'm slapping my sunburn. it's official: I'm either addicted to pain, or fuckin crazy. #
21:41 @cheapvodka only fought a chick once and I only barely won because she was drunk. Bitch went for the eyes. But they're my mangos, goddammit. #
21:42 @skzsk I think you're right. #
21:54 @skzsk Dunno, maybe you're a masochist. #
23:20 @appleredhair I'm also a vagitarian. Weird, huh? #
00:16 My shoes rule. short.to/evsd #

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